God Evening Family,
This morning as I prayed I felt such a desire to cry out for God's tangible presence to be with me always. But then I sensed a question.
"Why do you want my presence?"
My answer seemed reasonable, at first. When I'm lost in His presence I'm nicer, wiser, happier, and stronger. Being in His presence is like living in the eye of a storm. All around is chaos but in the center is his peace. Life is easier in His presence, I prefer that to struggling.
Suddenly I realized how self-centered my desire for more of God was. I want more of God, not because He is so wonderful, but because He makes me look wonderful. I want Him near, not because He is my all consuming joy but because He makes my life more bearable. My hunger for God has a form of godliness but God has a way of getting to the truth doesn't He?
It is true that when God's presence manifests in our lives it is His goodness that allows such a blessing.
It is equally true that when we can't feel Him it is His goodness that allows that as well.
When we do not feel God we realize how corrupt our attitudes, motives, and desires really are. We cry out for the anointing but what we really need is mortification. Somehow the anointing covers up our filthy flesh, and yet it still lives. God doesn't want the flesh prettied up with His anointing. He wants the flesh dead. Therefore it is a greater goodness to leave us in the dry wilderness to die to ourselves.
In the dry wilderness we are anything but beautiful and God seems have abandoned us, yet He is nearer to us than ever. We can't feel Him or hear Him, but He's watching over us as carefully as a mother her sick children. Just as despair would swallow us up He comes, reassuring us He is there. Once we are comforted He withdraws again.
It is not enough for Him that He covers up our perversity. He wants us clean through and through, holy, just like Him. In the wilderness we are changed...if we endure.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)
Stay in prayer and in the Word!
Love in our Lord,
Lauren
