Suicide Watch

It is so wonderful having a big family. Oh, it gets chaotic in my house, but I am not really looking forward to the day when they leave the nest one by one. I love the days when we are all together laughing and at peace. I love having six children to kiss goodnight.

What I hate are the times when life is going on as usual, then suddenly a scream of pain shatters the silence. I hate turning a corner with my arms filled with laundry only to run into an upturned face covered in blood.

I'll never forget when little Chelsea's hand was slammed in the car door and we had to take her for stitches. I'll always remember the terror of 2 year old Shannon falling out of a three story apartment window when the screen gave way as she leaned on it. The story of John Daniel playing Superman and putting his foot through his glass window as he was attempting to fly is classic....blood everywhere (And more stitches). Calling the ambulance on Christmas day because Salome thought it would be fun to drink finger nail polish remover was almost as interesting as calling poison control the day her little brother Mikos decided to drink bleach. Michael is 2 and I have no stories to tell about him. He will hopefully allow his mom to raise him in peace.

I thought it a very apt description when I heard parenting described as "suicide watch". We love our children, feed them, clothe and shelter them...and try our best to keep them from killing themselves until they grow up. Perhaps pastoring, leading, or mentoring should all be labeled the same way.

There is something rather perverse about human nature. I've noticed from the moment people get saved you really do have to watch them like a hawk. There are people who, no matter how good God is to them, will go out of there way to sabotage their walk. God gives them life and they do what they can to destroy that life.

They hang out with the wrong people, listen to and look at all the wrong things. They won't listen to wisdom and think you're trying to control their lives.

You can preach, pray, and praise them and they will still find a way to get entangled in pride, bitterness, or offense.

They are the ones who are bored at prayer meetings, but love to hang out with people who gossip. They find no value in reading the Bible but love entertainment. (The more carnal the better) They love to talk about everything but Jesus. You look at their immaturity (They've been in the church 15 years) and wonder if you're wasting your time.

Yet God says to bear with them, be patient, don't give up. Maybe they won't let you disciple them but keep watching over them. Don't let them kill themselves. Perhaps with time and trials they will weary of their way of doing things and let Jesus be Lord.

Perhaps they will soften their hearts and actually get saved.

Don't stop watching.

"Son of man, I've made you a watchman for the family of Israel. Whenever you hear me say something, warn them for me. If I say to the wicked, 'You are going to die,' and you don't sound the alarm warning them that it's a matter of life or death, they will die and it will be your fault. I'll hold you responsible. But if you warn the wicked and they keep right on sinning anyway, they'll most certainly die for their sin, but you won't die. You'll have saved your life.

Ezekiel 3:17-19 The Message

Stay in Prayer and in the Word.

Love in our Lord,

Lauren

Suffering

As I was praying this morning a song came,

You are glorious Lord, and I'll share in your suffering. And I'll bear your shame O God, for you are glorious.

There are times as I sit in service and hear the people shout and clap, that I think to myself, They hear but they do not hear. Most of God's people must not pray or really read His Word. I laugh when I hear people shouting whenever some one preaches about going from glory to glory. They either don't know or forget that suffering and death precede glory. So yes, the victorious will indeed go from glory to glory but they're going to endure alot of pain on the trip.

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket. I love the exuberance and the prophetic Words and the call to go higher. I just think that the majority of God's people are like the Jews on Palm Sunday. They love the triumphant march, the songs, and the atmosphere but they really don't know, or understand the mission of Jesus Christ. He was born to die that others might live. He expects us to do the same.

When Jesus told us to come and follow Him He didn't mean for us to simply accompany Him on His journey as a spectator, but to be as He is. He said if we would not be willing to lay down our lives and pick up the cross we couldn't be His disciples. If we would not allow ourselves to be nailed to that cross, endure it's shame and pain, and finally die on it, daily, we could not be called His children.

Satan's doctrine is spreading through out the church. It says you can be a Christian without being a disciple of Christ. It lulls those that call themselves by His name into false hope and security by promising painless salvation. It declares that the cross is only for the really dedicated and hyper-spiritual. It soothes the flesh that only special Christians are called to that kind of life, but it's not for everyone. You don't have to be that radical to be saved, you're not Jesus you know. This is the lie that keeps God's people running after the comfort of this world...running from the suffering of this present life, into eternal suffering and torment in hell.

Please understand, having your lights turned off because you spent your electric bill money foolishly is not suffering, neither is enduring the shame of pregnancy apart from wedlock. The hardship we endure from bad decisions, or sin, is simply reaping the consequences of what we've sown.

True suffering is the loss, persecution, or trials one experiences from being obedient to God. Biblical suffering often causes those we love to suffer as well, through no fault of their own. Suffering comes to all who will live Godly...to all who refuse to compromise their faith for the sake of comfort or popularity.

The servant will never be greater than the Master. Jesus set the example. We are to walk in His footprints and drink from the same cup.

Suffering is not a part of the Christian life, it is the Christian life.

It is the Jesus life.

I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.

Phil 3:10 The Message

Stay in prayer and in the Word.

Love in our Lord,
Lauren

I Jacob

God Evening Family,

As I consider God's hand on my life I find myself asking...why.

I am impatient and demanding. I am controlling and have been told I am bossy. I hate waiting on God and it took me 14 years to start learning to trust Him. I lean towards bullying and manipulation when I'm trying to accomplish a goal and people are being people. When I want something I pursue it until it's mine or I'm thoroughly convinced it's unattainable. Deceitfulness is a shameful habit I'm ruthlessly crushing beneath my feet.

Despite my flaws I love the things of God. Despite my flaws God loves that about me.


I am Jacob.

I am a dichotomy of contradiction.

I long to see men of God rise up and violently take the kingdom by force. I pray and fast that men would break free from this world, from their own minds, and take dominion. I dream of the day when men will be men and a real man is not an exception. Like Jacob, however, I may be one who sits by the fire cooking stew, but if the opportunity presents itself I will take Esau's birthright.

You O man, by birth, should be leading the kingdom as it advances in this world. What a day of rejoicing that would be to see men lead their families in worship, in prayer, in sacrifice, labor, and destiny. But do not think that I sit idly back waiting for that day as I tend to my children and clean my house. I'm spending time in prayer, in the Word, and His Spirit is speaking to me. I'm being discipled by passionate men and women while you push your teachers into a corner. I'm crying out for more of Him and the grace to keep His Word while you're praying for more money. God is enlarging me, preparing me, transforming me while you are obsessing over basketball and football scores.

I covet your blessing. I grind my teeth in anger as you despise what God has freely given. I am dumbfounded as God offers you platforms to preach the gospel and you just turn away in disinterest or fear. Your apathy towards the things of God...towards God Himself renders me speechless.

I am no feminist. I have learned to appreciate being what God has made me. I enjoy tending my home and raising my children. I would be content to cheer for your victories, O man, from the sidelines of my home. I would be happy to just be an average wife and mother while you conquer the world.

But something is brewing in me. A desire that is increasing daily. Guard your heart man. If you don't want your birthright I do. If the blessing of God means nothing to you I'll slip in while you're pursing the world and take it. You may question my method but God will love me all the more for it.

I am Jacob.

I am becoming Israel.

Who are you?

As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. Rom 9:13

Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright.
For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Hebrews 12:16-17 (King James Version)

Stay in prayer and in the Word,

Love in our Lord,

Lauren

Grief

My children and I were at a local fast food joint when a good friend of mine caught my attention and we began to chat. Pausing in the conversation to check on my children, I realized my 2 year old daughter was no longer with me. Frantically I looked around and spotted her running in the middle of the street. Without hesitation I ran after her as fast as I could, screaming her name. Before I could get to her a car plowed into her and drug her down the road. Screaming I ran after her. When I finally got to my baby she was lying face up, her little body mangled and bleeding to death, her face ashen as the life drained out of her. Her big blue eyes gazed into mine as I began to command life back into her. I rebuked the spirit of death and pleaded with God for a miracle...but there, in the middle of the street, in a matter of seconds, my youngest daughter died.

I awoke from that hellish dream sobbing from the very depth of me. Though it was only a nightmare it felt so real. The bottom had fallen out of my world and I couldn't pray. I couldn't shake myself out of that sense of absolute helplessness. The emotional pain shook me to the core. My husband, startled out of his sleep prayed for me. After some time I finally drifted off to sleep, but to this day (about 4 years later) the memory of that dream still paralyzes me.

Tonight, after Bible Study, the dream surfaced again. Usually I try to quickly put it out of my head but this time I let the memories come. This time God spoke.

That horrible dream was not from the devil, as I had assumed but God. My daughter was no different than the countless souls that reject Jesus Christ. Just like a two year old playing on a busy street, they have no sense of the danger that exists. They go about their lives not realizing that hell looms in their very near future...and it's forever. Those who reject Jesus truly do not know what they do.

Just as I ran down the road screaming in terror for my daughter,God runs after the lost...after every backslider. He begs and pleads, through everyone who will share the gospel, for the sinner to repent lest they suffer judgement. Just as my daughter was fatally struck down, the unbeliever will also be struck down. As the life drains from them God will look on each one overcome with unspeakable grief, helplessly unable to save them...from their own free will.

The gravity of what God showed me weighed on my heart. I don't grieve over the lost souls of my friends who turned their backs on God. Oh I care, but usually I'm just mad that they made such a stupid decision. I'm angry that they spent so little time in prayer, or wouldn't be transparent and open up. I get disgusted at their selfishness and frankly would like to slap some sense into them.

God is in love with every lost soul. He loves them enough to give them the freedom to choose. He loves them as they spit on the death of His son. He loves everyone in hell. I do not.

I do, however, love my daughter, so I asked the Holy Spirit to never let me forget that dream. I may never feel the depth of God's sorrow but by His mercy He has given me a glimpse into the pain in His heart. May that propel me to do all that is in my power to keep a soul from hell, that I may bring joy to His ever grieving heart.

The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

Is 31:3

Stay in Prayer and in the Word.

Love in Our Lord,

Lauren

Change

God Evening Family,

I'm in the midst of transition. I personally love and despise (mostly despise) change. I enjoy day dreaming about 'what will be' concerning the promises God has given me, but I personally wish God would let me write the script concerning how it will be done.

We were having a ladies meeting just two weeks ago and as we were worshipping God in song I was thinking some very judgemental thoughts about one of the ladies. In exasperation over my critical spirit I thought, Lord, can't I just go to a mountain somewhere and be alone with you? Right after that our Pastor's wife began to sing these words in the prophetic,

Who will go to the mountain of the Lord, who will go to the mountain of the Lord, who will go to the mountain of the Lord....I will!

Suffice it to say the next day I began a 40 day trek to the mountain of God. The Lord nudged me to begin to read Exodus and I was delighted to find there are exactly 40 chapters in that book...One for each day of my trip. Of course I'm not making a physical journey to Horeb but each day that goes by I'm learning about myself and about God. Though I haven't left home it feels as if I'm on a sabbatical.

One of the things I'm realizing as I read Exodus is how much we are inclined to resist God. The Israelites cried out for deliverance from slavery but when the answer (change) came they resisted. I imagine when they were praying for freedom they never imagined God would lead them out of Egypt on foot into the desert. They probably imagined some great warrior would rise up, storm Pharaoh's palace, there would be a mighty slaughter, and the Hebrews would rule Egypt. They would stay in that familiar place...maybe upgrade their house but, except for the slavery part, life would go on as usual.

I have some opinions about how I think God should do things, but I never realized until this week how much I cling to those opinions. God has been trying to bless me and my family for a long time. He's been trying to get us on the move to the promise land and I've sat down in the sand like a mule (Jack A_ _?) and I have refused to budge because the way He's doing it doesn't line up with the way I'd like to see it done.

This can't be God it's too different...no one else is doing it like that...what will people think?

God specializes in the unexpected which is hard for a control freak like me. I hate surprises. I want to know what's going on, make the decisions, give the orders. I WANT TO BE...god.

I called forth the mighty army of Egypt with all its chariots and horses. I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned, their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick. “But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
Is 43:17-19 (The Message)

Stay in Prayer and in the Word.

Love in Our Lord,

Lauren