I Jacob

God Evening Family,

As I consider God's hand on my life I find myself asking...why.

I am impatient and demanding. I am controlling and have been told I am bossy. I hate waiting on God and it took me 14 years to start learning to trust Him. I lean towards bullying and manipulation when I'm trying to accomplish a goal and people are being people. When I want something I pursue it until it's mine or I'm thoroughly convinced it's unattainable. Deceitfulness is a shameful habit I'm ruthlessly crushing beneath my feet.

Despite my flaws I love the things of God. Despite my flaws God loves that about me.


I am Jacob.

I am a dichotomy of contradiction.

I long to see men of God rise up and violently take the kingdom by force. I pray and fast that men would break free from this world, from their own minds, and take dominion. I dream of the day when men will be men and a real man is not an exception. Like Jacob, however, I may be one who sits by the fire cooking stew, but if the opportunity presents itself I will take Esau's birthright.

You O man, by birth, should be leading the kingdom as it advances in this world. What a day of rejoicing that would be to see men lead their families in worship, in prayer, in sacrifice, labor, and destiny. But do not think that I sit idly back waiting for that day as I tend to my children and clean my house. I'm spending time in prayer, in the Word, and His Spirit is speaking to me. I'm being discipled by passionate men and women while you push your teachers into a corner. I'm crying out for more of Him and the grace to keep His Word while you're praying for more money. God is enlarging me, preparing me, transforming me while you are obsessing over basketball and football scores.

I covet your blessing. I grind my teeth in anger as you despise what God has freely given. I am dumbfounded as God offers you platforms to preach the gospel and you just turn away in disinterest or fear. Your apathy towards the things of God...towards God Himself renders me speechless.

I am no feminist. I have learned to appreciate being what God has made me. I enjoy tending my home and raising my children. I would be content to cheer for your victories, O man, from the sidelines of my home. I would be happy to just be an average wife and mother while you conquer the world.

But something is brewing in me. A desire that is increasing daily. Guard your heart man. If you don't want your birthright I do. If the blessing of God means nothing to you I'll slip in while you're pursing the world and take it. You may question my method but God will love me all the more for it.

I am Jacob.

I am becoming Israel.

Who are you?

As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. Rom 9:13

Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright.
For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Hebrews 12:16-17 (King James Version)

Stay in prayer and in the Word,

Love in our Lord,

Lauren